On today's frame of mind

Published 22-06-2021 at 19:46 (a year ago)

You can walk the path among the lines
With your shattered frame of mind

It's a tuesday night and I'm sitting at my desk listening to music I like. I don't have anything much to do for the next few weeks, and today has been mostly peaceful. By all means I should probably be happy, or.. something. Whatever normal people do?

But I dunno. I'm just not feeling it. It's been this way for a couple years now, I think. More so the last 2 or thereabouts. I've had a lot going on and that's given way to some sort of hollow feeling. Recently I've been on medication and that's helped a lot. But I must need to get my dosage raised or something. Thoughts are creeping back in and I'm starting to lash out at myself and others again. It's easy to blame the way I feel on myself, and I guess that must be what I'm used to doing.

Sigh.

Where does that leave me, then? I'm not well, and I'm not healthy, and looking up is.. pretty difficult. I'm stuck oscillating between imposter syndrome and egotistic self-confidence and that makes it real hard to judge where I am. Living with a bevy of mental illnesses has made me shackle myself into a lone prison of self-reflection in order to try and cope, but it hasn't really helped - it's not helping now at least, as I find myself wrapped up in dysphoria and self-doubt. Thinking about the future is hard. I'm fairly sure I've been living with ADHD my entire life and.. seeing statistics about people with ADHD is scary. Seeing statistics about other trans people, or other people who've experienced what I've experienced is scary too. I really don't want to live on a flimsy government paycheck for the rest of my life if I can't keep the stupid sack of meat inside my skull in check enough to hold down a job. I guess that's assuming I'll even wind up with a decent job in the first place. Because of the way things have fallen into place I'm still studying and.. I don't know. I have an opportunity to do an undergraduate degree next year, most likely in computer science. But I really don't know if I can manage it. I don't wanna drop out. I don't wanna fail. I just wanna live a normal life, like a normal human being, and I'm starting to think that's a wish I'll never have granted. I'm so scared of committing to a 3 year course and it not working out. I can't live with the shame from that hanging around. The memory I do have is painful enough as it is. I don't want to worsen that.

I just don't know. And I guess that's kinda what I was getting at with the title and the quoted lyrics. I'm really just lost. My life is in my hands and I'm too weak to hold it.